We're Home . . .

Sorry for the lack of updates throughout the last few weeks.

Yesterday, Lincoln turned 5 weeks.

 

Let's rewind, though.

Lincoln was moved to Bay 5 (closer to going home) on November 15th. He was doing so well. All that was holding him there was feeding. We were trying to breastfeed and it was a roller coaster. He'd do great for a couple of days and then the next day he'd show zero interest.

 

I started struggling with a lot of different emotions:

failure for not being able to successfully breastfeed my son.

guilt for being the only reason he was still in the NICU.

frustration over not being able to do something so seemingly simple.

shame for leaving my son's room each night.

exhaustion from multiple weeks in the NICU.

remorse for missing home.

 

Wes & I started debating whether pushing breastfeeding was worth it. If prolonging Lincoln's stay in the NICU in order to get him to breastfeed was worth the bonding him and I would receive. After all, if I continued to pump like I had been and bottle fed him the expressed milk...the end result would be the same. He'd be getting my milk - the most healthy choice for him. We started offering him a bottle every other feeding while alternating breastfeeding. He took the bottle so well. He was a champ - and a little piggy! We kept that up for a couple of days and then it became clear to me. We couldn't keep pushing breastfeeding if we wanted to go home. So, I finally accepted that we just needed to do all bottle feedings with my pumped milk. He did so well. It tore me up, though...if I'm being honest. It made me feel like a failure. I knew it was the best decision for Lincoln and because of that I could sleep at night.

 

Lincoln did so well with the bottle feeding that he was discharged November 30th...at 4 weeks old.

 

 

 

After 28 days in the NICU, we were headed home! I was so excited...but at the same time nervous. We had had doctors and [amazing] nurses by our side for the first 28 days of Lincoln's life. Now we were going to be on our own. After the longest hour drive, though, we were home safe and able to relax in our own familiar surroundings.

 

 

We've been home just over a week now and we're all doing well. Lincoln is steadily gaining weight and doing well taking pumped milk from the bottle. I've only tried to breastfeed him a couple of times and he couldn't be less interested. It's frustrating, but he's such a baby there's no way I can stay upset.

 

[TMI Alert] My milk supply was great the whole time Lincoln was in the NICU, but it is slowing down quite a bit now. I think it's a combination of me not pumping throughout the night and him not breastfeeding. When babies breastfeed, our body is alerted of the supply and demand - telling us how much milk baby needs us to produce. Since he's not nursing, there's no one telling my body that this little porker needs more milk! I'm trying to focus on drinking more water and pumping often in hopes of increasing the supply. I hate the thought of having to switch to formula. We have quite a bit of milk frozen from when he wasn't taking much while in the NICU, but if my supply doesn't increase, that can only last so long.

 

• Lincoln wakes up to eat like clockwork throughout the night. Typically every 3 hours, though sometimes after 2.5 hours he's starvin'.

• He does great during tummy time and is learning to enjoy it more each passing day. Today he turned his head from side to side more than 6 times in a 10 minute period. He's a champ!

• Lincoln is a cuddle bug. He loves laying on mommy or daddy's chest. As much as we love that cuddle time, it makes me nervous that it's spoiling him and that I'll pay for that during the night hours.

• The only medicine he was sent home with was a vitamin (Vitamin A, C, D, and Iron) which he takes so well. The nurse warned me that it stains everything and babies typically don't take it well and try to spit it out. Not our lil guy! He takes it like a champ.

• Lincoln did great at his first pediatrician appointment on Tuesday. Also, we have a visiting nurse who came Wednesday and again Monday to check up on him to ensure he's gaining weight like he should be.

• He likes his swing that my Grandma bought him - it sways side to side as well as vibrates (which we haven't tried yet), plays a few different sounds, and reclines.

 

 

How's Momma, you ask?

Improving with each day. Wes still has to pack my incision twice a day, but this morning he said it looks like it's made progress and is quite a bit more shallow. Hopefully within a week we won't have to deal with that anymore. The opened part of my incision doesn't typically hurt too much unless I have Lincoln sitting on [or sitting in a way that puts pressure on] it for too long. The packing process is tender, but after three weeks of twice a days.....I'm used to the uncomfortableness of it.

 

Sleep deprivation has kicked in. It's real. The whole "sleep when the baby sleeps" thing is a little tricky with exclusively pumping. Plus, my mind never stops...so even when I'm exhausted and lay down...often I don't fall asleep [until right before Lincoln wakes up]. Wes is such an amazing help with everything. He is the only reason the house doesn't look like a tornado has gone through it. He takes care of Lincoln the majority of the day to give me a break since I'm up with him at night. Speaking of night...even when I'm not up feeding Lincoln, I'm laying in bed awake listening to him through the monitor. I wake up to every little noise he makes...and he makes a lot of noises! He makes this weird gasping noise [reminds me of someone coming up for air while drowning] which the doctors and nurses tell me is normal...but it always leaves me laying there begging to hear another [more normal] noise from him through the monitor so that I don't have to worry. I know all of the education we had while in the hospital is to help prevent SIDS, not to scare us...but man, SIDS is always on my mind from 10pm-7am. A couple of times I've jolted awake to realize I haven't heard him make any noises for a while and it scares me. I can't be glad to have gotten some uninterrupted sleep because I'm too worried that there's something wrong with him that's preventing him from making those nonstop noises.

 

 

He likes to be in control...always has to have his hand on the bottle.

Speaking of bottle...someone's hungry!